He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
