I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
