I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
