I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
