How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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