Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
