Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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