Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize