i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
