I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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