I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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