I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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