i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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