i may or may not be watching the land before time
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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