apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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