Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
