I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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