as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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