Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My pussy is not your playground.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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