I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize