update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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