I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My life is pants optional.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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