I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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