The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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