I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
