No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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