Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
