Moan for me like Helen Keller
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
