I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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