I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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