Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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