I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
