I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
