dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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