You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
