I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You pole danced in your parka.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
