Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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