So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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