Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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