Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
