please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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