Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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