Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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