I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
