So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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