took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
