My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize