I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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