I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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