I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Moan for me like Helen Keller
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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