remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
