I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
