its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
