sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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