Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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