its not stalking. its research.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
