Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My penis needs a shock collar
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
