The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
