I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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