I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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