woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
