Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
