Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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