Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
