why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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